Your Sovereign Hand Will be My Guide

 

Have you ever stopped and looked at your life backwards? Have you ever, good or bad, looked at your life and wondered how you got to where you are? I’ve been doing that recently and I have to tell you, my life does not even have a shimmer of what I thought I would be doing. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world!

Walk with me, will you, back to 2002. January: I was in school for Early Childhood Education. My life was pretty planned out. February: I started dating this really cute guy. April: I took a trip to WV to meet his family. It was then that I knew he would be the one. You know, THE ONE. I didn’t tell him yet, I wasn’t sure he could handle it. September: He figured it out. HE asked ME to be his wife. November: Thanksgiving with my soon-to-be family. Snow. WONDERFUL! December: First Christmas together. Step into 2003. March: There was a wedding march this month. It was beautiful. It was Holy Ground. We were young and silly. We had no clue. But we were in love. I left school and started working full time. Skip Forward to June 2008. Two became Three. Brewer was born. I started working part time. Skip forward to April 2010. The Girl was born. What would our life be like without our Eva? I stopped working all together. (I mean for money that is) Skip forward to January 2012. Living in a small, but comfy, 3 bedroom house as a family of 4 and an adult family member living with us for a few months. Mama takes a trip, a much needed time away.  As wonderful as my life was at this point, I could have never imagined how this weekend trip would change my life.

My dear friend invited me to go on the Women’s Ministry Retreat from her mother’s church. Normally this is the kind of thing I would turn down without even a second thought. It’s just not my cup of tea. However, this time, I said yes. Somewhere along the way I had lost myself. I had a plan. I was in school. I was going to be a teacher. But instead I got married. I quit school.  I had kids and I stopped working. My life had veered so far away from the plan that I couldn’t figure out where I was. Not that any of those things were wrong. I just didn’t know who I was anymore.  I was floundering and frustrated and crying out to God to show me the way. I had two small children. Finding time to sleep, let alone read my bible, was a challenge. I was weary. And I needed more than rest. I needed a revival.

Day two of the retreat we were giving a very well written out devotional to do. They sent us out to find a place to rest, read and reflect. I took my bible eager to get into His word. I walked out onto the dock and took a seat. I couldn’t do it. My mind was so restless and I couldn’t concentrate. I cried. I cried hard. Please don’t take this time from me. I put down my bible and that sweet devotion and I prayed. I cried out to God and said, “I can’t do this. I can’t even focus. I need you to speak to me. I need to you speak to the depths of my soul. Please.” I took out my MP3 player, set it on random and hit play. The very first song that came on, I kid you not, was Otis Redding, “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay” Yes Lord, You have my attention.

So over the next 30 minutes or so, I sat and listened as God spoke to me through a perfectly timed playlist that I thought were random songs. He said, “Annie, You’ve been sitting here long enough and wasting too much time. Look down and tell me what you see.” I saw the marsh. I was sitting on a dock over the marsh at low tide. “Now look up and tell me what you see.” I saw the ocean and its rolling waves. “Annie, you’ve been here in the mud before. I picked you up and brought you out into the ocean deep. You know what it feels like out there in the rolling waves of grace. You know the peace of riding out the storm with me. But I’ve brought you back into the muck. I’ve brought you back not to hurt you but for you to feel it. You’ve forgotten what this feels like. There are others, Annie, who are stuck here. Knee deep, just like you were. I’ve brought you back in to take someone’s hand and show them the way out into the deep waters. You know the way because you’ve been there. And once you get out, let them go. I’m going to send you back in and you’re going to find someone else. And you’re going to show them the way. The Way the Truth and the Life. This will be a pattern for your life.”

O.M.G. Be careful what you ask for. When you ask God to speak, He will. So be prepared to hear what He has to say. Yes Lord, I heard you Father. What does that mean? What am I supposed to do? “Wait. That answer will come. Just keep listening.”

I returned home renewed and on my toes! About a month later the answer came in a way I never would have expected. At this point in my life I had been practicing yoga on and off for many years. A few months after Eva was born we joined the local Family Y. We joined because there was childcare and I could drop my children off, go to a yoga class, sit for a moment and breathe. This particular day my instructor came up to me after class. (This was not the first time she had mentioned this and all other times I had smiled sweetly and thanked her and called her crazy!) But this day she said, “Hey Annie, there is a Level 1 Instructor Training coming this May. It’s in town and I thought of you. You should really check it out and see about becoming a yoga instructor.” God spoke before I could and said, “That’s it. You’re going to teach Yoga.” I stood there stunned for a moment and said, “Ok, email me the info.”

I put the kids down for a nap and prayed. What in the world God? You’ve got to be kidding me. He spoke directly to my heart like he did sitting on that dock. “The community of yoga, it’s a very dark place. There are people searching for me but many don’t know it’s me they’re looking for. They call it peace, but I am the only giver of true peace. They call it harmony, but creation is only at harmony when it’s in tune with it’s Creator. They are looking for enlightenment; I am the giver of knowledge. I’m sending you in, Annie, to be a light in a dark place. Take their hands and lead them out of the muck and into grace. The rolling waves of my grace.”

This has been quite a journey. One I never saw myself on.  One that has made me trust more and dig deeper. I can not even begin to tell you all of the opportunities God has given me over the past two years. This journey, it’s only beginning. He’s calling me to something bigger than myself. But I’ll tell you more about that later. He is growing and stretching me. He’s teaching me to rely on Him every step of the way. Some days I’m running and some days I’m being dragged kicking and screaming. But I’m moving. Closer. Surrendered. And oh friend, if I could only tell you how … His grace abounds in deepest waters ...