The Other Side of Something: For Real This Time

Monday, October 7, 2013

I was looking through some old journals the other day and I found this. One of the reasons I love keeping a journal is to see where I've been. There are certain seasons of your life that you don't want to forget. You want to remember the details and you want to remember how you felt. There are certain seasons of your life you don't want to relearn, you want to get it right the first time. Because honestly, it's just really hard.
I also found it funny that I titled this "The Other Side of Something" because when I wrote it I was smack dab in the middle of it. I was hurting and broken. It was painful. Jamie and I were struggling inwardly but trying to hold it all together outwardly. This was written after our second miscarriage. For those of you who know, we had one more.
Another reason I love keeping a journal is to see how honest I am. I mean, this one is pretty real. Its honest in my words and thoughts. It is honest in my desires. But at the time I wrote it, it was something I was hoping in. You know what I mean, when you tell yourself you feel one way in the hopes that you really will. That's really, honestly, where I was. I know God to be good. I know Him to be Holy. I believed what I was writing, because it was something that I needed to be true.
Just a quick update: This was written in 2006. Brewer, our son, was born in 2008 and Eva, our daughter was born in 2010. I can not imagine my life without these two amazing people. They are growing and challenging me on a daily basis. Jamie and I have been married now for over 10 years and God has blessed our family. He has been faithful.
So join me as we step back in time: December 4, 2006:

The Other Side of Something

December 4, 2006

There is a great hymn that just gets to me every time I hear it. There are days when I lift my hands in praise and belt it out at the top of my lungs, and there are other days when I can't even raise my head from weeping before my God. For about the past year its been the hardest thing to hear. I was unable to sing a word of it. But lately its the hymn I crave the most.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.


My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!


And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


Wow! What a mouth full! You try to sing "It is well" and see what God brings to your heart that is not well! I guess to understand where I am coming from you would have to understand what I've been going through lately. Jamie and I have just gone through our second miscarriage. It has been a struggle for us physically, mentally and spiritually.

I have to be honest with you though. This one was easier than the first. Why? I have no idea. I guess its because I have a firm foundation of faith.

When Jamie and I got married 3 1/2 years ago I prayed that God would not allow us to have a child until it was His will. I asked that God would not give us a child no matter how hard we selfishly begged, until His timing. I do not want a King Saul. I want a King David. I trust that God has a plan for our lives. I have turned my life over to Him. No, I'm not perfect. No, I do not always make the right choices, but I do believe that God has a better way than I do. I also know that God does not do anything to hurt his children for the sake of hurting his children. He wanted to teach Jamie and I something that we could not have learned any other way. Here is what I have learned so far:

1. God is God and I am not. Trust Him! Submit to him completely. That is a good thing.

2. My sin affects more than myself. There is no sin so small that it can only affect me alone. It will always affect my husband, family, friends and church.

3. Even if God chooses not to give Jamie and I a physical legacy, it is not only my responsibility but my privilege to leave a spiritual legacy.

That last one has affected me the most out of all three. It was not something that I recently learned, but that I really needed to be reminded of. God is preparing me for something. He is building a burning passion inside of me that will not be extinguished. I praise him for it!

While I know that He is not finished with this lesson. The ink on the pages is still wet, I just wanted to share with you a little of where I am right now. What God is doing in my life. And the things I am learning, and will continue to learn about Him everyday.

I pray that if you don't already know him intimately, you will seek Him. Deuteronomy 4:29 says " will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul." Seek Him...

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