I am no the Holy Spirit. That seems a silly thing to think let
alone say out loud. But it’s something I've had to tell myself a lot lately. I
am not the Holy Spirit. I am not God. I am not Jesus living a perfect life. I don’t
draw people to God; I point them in the right direction.
This summer. You may have noticed I’ve been gone a while. And
two posts ago I added at song called “Dry Bones” by Lauren Daigle. That’s what this summer felt like for me. I
felt like I was running around doing a lot of pointing and yelling and directing,
but no one was listening. I was speaking to dry bones. I watched people around
me, people that God has placed there, being overwhelmed and walking away. And I’m
begging them to stand up … but they can’t they won’t. And it makes me feel like
a failure.
God is the one who brings the dead to life. Not me. I only
point.
I am learning how to work and find rest.
Rest.
Freedom.
It sounds wrong to say. As a stay-at-home mom with two kids
in school now, rest feels like I’m being lazy. I’m not lazy. I’m tired. I am constantly
pouring myself out to others and feel guilty to even need time for myself. But if
I’m totally honest, when I’m tired the time I’m giving to others doesn’t count.
Be completely honest with me for a moment. When I’m tired, I am making dinner
for my family, but I’m cranky and want the kids out of the kitchen so I can do
it myself. Shouldn’t I be inviting them in and teaching them to cook? When I’m
tired and having lunch with a friend, all I want to do is unload my problems on
her and I have no time to listen. And even if I do, I’m mentally comparing her
world to mine and how mine is so much harder. I tend to be less patient with my kids and with my husband. Even though I have time with people, it's not quality time, just time. And when I’m tired, I’m rushing
through life and miss the little opportunities God gives me each day. The
opportunities to point others to him. The opportunities to hear him answer a
prayer I’ve been praying for weeks.
Sometimes God speaks through the big things, like my
computer crashing this summer. Sometimes God speaks in the little things like
your kids talking in the backseat.
I think I’ve become so busy in doing the good work, that I’ve
missed the real work. What I’m doing, all of it, is good work. But some of it isn’t
mine to do. I’m taking up space where someone else is praying for space.
I’m taking a step back … again. I’m taking my eyes back to
Jesus. I’m asking Him to show me my good work. I'm finding space to breathe in who He is and what it is that He wants me to do.
So things are changing for me. Pray for me as I keep my
heart open to his calling.
But today.
Right now.
This moment.
I’m unrolling my mat.
I’m rooting down.
I’m pushing play on this song.
I’m turning my eyes to Jesus.
And for the next 12 minutes, I will worship.
